We don’t give change for the parking meters: an excerpt, so they claim

Mr. Swift told the sensitive audience his story, just minutes before the explosion.

                       “I’m no detective, until today.

He has balcony eyes.  And if I had to put my money on it I’d say that said he had at least six pictures on the walls of his bedroom, I promise, I promise he does.  If I didn’t now him better I’d swear I’d known him as a child.  Civilly of course, and naturally speaking, as you’d expect.  So you have asked for me to come in here and speak on his behalf, which of the two you have not specified, I am almost tempted to step outside, as long as the ledge doesn’t tend to give, and wait along the solitary concrete for you to deliberate and thus allow me to get some fresh air pockets I’ve been keeping around for these moments, for just these moments, for a rainy day, they say.

        No, I don’t smoke, can you smoke in here? No, I don’t smoke can you smoke in here? Did you say I could smoke anyway, then I don’t mind if I do, say, I don’t smoke but thanks so nice of you.  I always knew he would et into this kind of trouble, but not this kind, if you know what I mean, if you know what I mean )say it slower the second time for effect(.  I was thinking more along the lines of toaster trouble, or, let me give some thought to it, rudder trouble, could it be.  Maybe a fine at the most trouble.  But this would surprise me to no end of the earth, where a ship bound ship stalls.  It’s that monumental.  It’s that egregious.  It’s that error.

        This is what happened.  I told him.  And he said no.  I told him.  And he said no.  I told him and he said no.  The third time around was different though and that made the difference, of time of height of opinion of mind. Which is what I have made up right now.  Like a sitting lime.  Like a cranky lawyer.  Like a frightened cage.  There is nothing more disparaging than a frightened cage.  They tend to leave night all alone by itself…and day to handle the rest.  That’s what cage does, it does, it does.

        So here is my number and my email and my name of course.  I’ll leave them with you by the corner of the saucer in case you need me.  Just release him, though,

               I thought, I’m afraid I meant everything.”

My Doctor Gets to Know My Hernia

I checked it out in Wikipedia and saw a few pictures and immediately realized that I had a great hernia on me, a lot nicer than the one they had in the photo.  The cause of the hernia is somewhat of a mystery but since I’m a macho man basically any one of my numerous physical activities could have caused the rupture, starting with teaching 28 eight-year-olds how to sing The Wheels on the Bus with diginity, of course.  It can happen at any time, but apparently after the age of 40, the chances rose.  There you had it.  Just as I was becoming far-sighted right on time, so were my bowels giving way according to the biological schedule.  I felt…well…perfectly normal and it sucked.  Of course it wasn’t as bad as one of those excruciating martyrdoms where they nail your intestines to a pole and make you walk around it until they fall out, but so far I felt like everything was under control.  Which was why the other day I went and did something senseless like go bowling with my daughters. I used one of those super light balls and kept letting it fly into the neighboring lanes.  I’m their son has recovered from his bump on the head.  But other than that, I feel pretty good.  In any event, I wasn’t going to just diagnose myself all on my own. In the end, I needed the approval of a doctor.  I told him to take a look and he did.  He said formally, “You’ve got a hernia.”

             “I know,” I replied.  I wanted to ask him how much they paid him for his job. 

               “And it’s relly nice too.”  

             “That’s right.  A nice specimen.”

             “Thanks!” I said with pride.  “I already sent a picture to Wikipedia because I think mine is emblematic.  I bet few refer to their hernias as that.”

              But he wasn’t listening to my stupid comments.  “They have to operate you know.”

           “That’s right.  But I’ve got time right?”

           “Weell, it’s not an emergency but you should get it taken care of as soon as possible.”


            “And in the meantime, no excess strains.”

          “Not even sports?”


           “How about bowling?”

              “Can’t think of a worse thing to do.”

           “I agree a hundred percent.”